am i human yet?

A short piece of writing today.

…

When you first meet him, the therapist gazes at you earnestly and asks why you have come here today.

It’s the first question that has to be asked, of course, but you’ve been dreading it and have no idea what to say.

How do you describe what is happening inside your head when every word that falls from your mouth betrays you?

When every breath you drag into your lungs fights back, is heavy and reluctant.

When you look at the stars and see only the blackness that surrounds them.

When food turns to ash in your mouth.

When every waking moment is spent trembling on the brink of crying or screaming but you find yourself physically unable to do either, so you smile and smile until you think your face will break apart.

When you notice the black hole churning in the ceiling above your bed and decide that today you will die.

So you grin at him wildly and shrug. Then ask if you can mime your problem. Or maybe do an interpretive dance. Then you laugh, because you can’t do anything else and the laugh turns into a sob and you sit there staring at the pen in his shirt pocket.

It is a green biro. Its cap bears deep teeth marks.

He smiles and says nothing.

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